Co-parenting isn’t easy. It’s actually quite a chore. We don’t tend to marry our business partners, thus making negotiation and communication skills last on our list of attributes in a marriage. And yet, successful co-parenting demands a working relationship. As a parent educator and family therapist, I have seen many anxious and confused children affected by their parents’ inconsistent rules and styles. With neither parent willing to negotiate or communicate, the child has the job of transitioning from one style to the next sometimes under the same roof.

So how do parents married or divorced stay clear and consistent, raise confident children, and feel influential as a parent? Parents must become Co-parents! There are several successful co-parenting steps.

1. Identify your personal style and motivations: Your first job in becoming a successful co-parent is to figure out your general style and motivations. If it were all up to you (which it is not but if it were), what would your parenting system be like? Would it be scheduled? How would you motivate your children? How would you use punishment and encouragement? How much time would you put in? What would be your top 10 values? Now ask yourself WHY? Why would your style be that way? What is your motivation? Did you not get enough activity or love as a child? Were your parents over involved or under involved?

2. Share your parenting style and motivation with your co-parent: Sharing your style and motivation could be a vulnerable experience for you. Your style may be different than your spouse’s style. You may not feel appreciated or supported for your ideas. The big goal here is to show support for both parents’ ideas and values. You share yours without criticism; your spouse shares his without criticism. Listen and understand where the other parent is coming from. This will allow for a joining of forces.

3. Consult parenting books and classes: Now that you have looked at both parenting styles, take a look together at the research. One parent can look at Positive Discipline and the other parent can look at Love and Logic. Report back to each other. How do your styles measure up?

4. Decide on a parenting style: You have several examples now of parenting strategies and philosophies. It’s time to blend together a good mix of what you believe with what your co-parent believes and what the experts say. This is now your co-parenting style. When you go off track, you can go back to your unique blend and evaluate your progress.

5. Implement your new co-parenting style: Now you parent! Both parents are on the same page. Children are clear on what is expected of them and what the consequences are if they do not follow the family expectations. Parents are in "alignment" thus no arguing among parents and no manipulating by children.

6. Co-parent meetings: Finally, since you ARE the CEOs of your family and ARE business partners in a very real way, you must stay in constant communication. The success or failure of your family rests in your capable hands. Thus, co-parent meetings are a must! Actually, these meetings should include finances, home maintenance, parenting, and relationship issues. Meetings should be held weekly with schedule book, budget book, family book in hand. The co-parenting part of the meeting reviews your uniquely blended parenting style and how the children are reacting to it. Is it effective? Should it be shifted this way or that? All children react differently as they are unique blends too. Thus, you may find one child thrives under your new system and another loses balance. Good co-parents always re-evaluate and restructure when necessary.